Attached is a book that dives into the science of adult attachment and how it can help us find the most suitable partner, and sustain romantic relationships through decoding relationship behavior.
In my opinion, authors Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel Heller, M.A. ask two big questions:
1) Is love enough?
2) Is there a scientific explanation for why some people seem to navigate relationships effortlessly, while others struggle?
For reference:
There are three attachment styles: Anxious, avoidant, and secure
Anxious people crave intimacy, and are often preoccupied with their relationships, and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them back.
Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and try to minimize closeness.
Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving.
People with each attachment style differ in:
Views of intimacy and togetherness
The way they deal with conflict
Their attitude towards sex
Their ability to communicate their wishes and needs
Their expectations from their partner and the relationship
Where do attachment styles come from?
Attachment styles in adulthood are influenced by a variety of factors, one of which is the way our parents cared for us, but other factors like life experiences also come into play.
By the numbers
Everyone falls into a category, or more rarely, into a combination of anxious and avoidant.
Just over 50% are secure (Good news! Most people are secure)
Around 20% are anxious
25% are avoidant
3-5% are a combination of anxious and avoidant
Things I learned:
1) "Dependency is not a bad word....The more effectively dependent people are on one another, the more independent and daring they become...If you want to take the road to independence and happiness, find the right person to depend on and travel it down with them." This is known as the "dependency paradox".
2) We should all strive to be secure. The odds are more in your favor if at least one person in the relationship is secure.
3) If you are avoidant and idealize a life of self-sufficiency and look down upon dependency, remember that "experiences are only meaningful when shared with others".
4) "It's believed that each attachment style evolved in order to increase the survival chances of humans in a particular environment. The secure attachment style has worked best because throughout history, our ancestors lived predominantly in close-knit groups where working together was by far the best way to secure their future and that of their offspring". Moral of the story, "a survival advantage can't buy you love".
5) Why you are more likely to meet avoidants (emotionally unavailable people) when you go out on a date:
People with an avoidant attachment tend to end their relationships more frequently, so they're back on the market more often.
People with a secure attachment usually don't go through as many partners before they find one that they can happily settle down with.
Avoidants are unlikely to be with other avoidants because they lack the emotional glue to stay together.
6) One of the best ways to assess your partner's attachment style is by using effective communication. What often happens when we first start dating someone is that we censor ourselves because we want them to like us. However, expressing your needs and true feelings can help you gauge the other person's capacity to meet your needs. "The response in real time, is usually much more telling than anything they could ever reveal of their own accord".
7) Tips on finding the right partner in a secure way:
Spot the "smoking guns" early on and treat them like deal breakers
Effectively communicate your needs from day one
Subscribe to the belief that there are many potential partners who could make you happy.
8) Contradictory intimacy needs translate into lower satisfaction. "When couples disagree about the degree of closeness and intimacy desired in a relationship, the issue eventually threatens to dominate all of their dialogue". This is called the "anxious-avoidant trap" because like a trap, you fall into it without knowing and it's hard to break free. So, anxious-avoidant couples have their work cut out for them. It can work, but one, or preferably both have to become more secure.
9) When in doubt, use effective communication. Ask your partner or potential partner what you need to ask them. It's better to get the answer than torture yourself wondering and making up false things that make you feel like shit or like you did something wrong.
My takeaway:
I heard about this book from a friend a couple of years ago. At the time she was and is still in a relationship and I wasn't looking for one. I figured I'd get to learning about attachment styles when it pertained to my life. I was also pretty certain that I was avoidant. Fast forward to now and I'm finally opened to the idea of a romantic partnership. The great thing about this book is that you don't need to be in a relationship to apply the knowledge. In my case, I read this to learn more about myself so I can attract and choose the right partner for me and my needs when the moment comes.
As I mentioned, based on the brief descriptions of each attachment style on the back of the book, I guessed that I would have an avoidant attachment style. In the past, I never got close to anyone, my guard was up and I can't even count on one hand how many people I've actually liked. It's also important to note that I've never seen romantic love last around me. My parents are divorced, my grandparents didn't stay together and not to mention numerous aunts and uncles also called it quits. I figured I was doomed anyway, so from a young age I decided to not prioritize romantic love because after all it wasn't everlasting (stick with me this isn't all pessimistic).
I've been doing the work to shift this mindset and for the first time in my life I'm actually genuinely open to finding a partner. That is one of the reasons why I finally picked up this book. I can now admit that my grim outlook on romantic love was based on fear. I was scared of love. Scared of finding it and then losing it. What I've learned from doing the work is that I can't focus on how long it will last. What is in my control is how secure I am and the way I respond if it were to come to an end. This realization has changed me. When I find the right person, if we end up together for 10 years or 40 years, I'll take it for what it is. I'd rather experience love rather than focusing on the fear of losing it and ultimately missing out on it.
One last thing:
I, of course, took the test in the book to figure out my attachment style. Turns out I'm secure! I've just been meeting avoidants. I guess I was acting avoidant as a defense mechanism. The more you know. This is why we read! 😉
Disclaimer: These are mostly straight from the book, with some paraphrasing. Takeaways are my own thoughts. Please don't sue me. 😀
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